LEAD the way Beau. We’re right behind you

Can’t see a bloody thing!

Hold on. Keep  together

Watch out for them frogs And toads… There has to be a way out!

Keep in touch Keep close Watch your feet

Rocks are quite slippery One slip and we’re done for

Submerged in sauerkraut a la mode

Can’t be far to go

You still there Nice ?

Yea At the back; right behind you Beau

Mind you whose shirt I’m clinging to, I’m not too sure

It’s mine said I’m in this a little reluctantly

I’m not particularly politically minded but  the pay’s good


I can’t quite manoeuvre around this obstacle Would someone help me

Keep together brother We are united as one We are all in this together

Lord God has gone ahead as scout We should be hearing from him soon


Beau inched forward  Silence,darkness, but the faint smell

Of onions and cabbage caused him to forge on.

” Mein Gott! “Spat Vancy.” Zis iss hart vork!

” Ve haft to be care…….”

Stop that talk! Croaked Beau

We must remain pppppositive We must remain pppproud We must keep stum

We are closer than we think


They inched along playing follow my leader

Moving further and further into the cave

You are in such a state!

We are lost

Pined lady


I think I hear something!

The Distinct  sound of heel clicking

Could be heard in the distance

Yes a cow bell

now another

Some singing

The crackling of sticks burning

A camp fire?

A camp?

A scout camp?

Girl guides?

A Christian endeavour weekend?

The sounds grew more discernible

And now a growing light…


A camp indeed

Dave concentrated

What was it?

In the lifting light Dave could make out the squat figure of a Frau

long past her maiden years

She was looking down at a little ferret of a man with very black hair and onions around his neck

Otherwise he was naked

He lay flat on his back

The Shrek like figure stood slightly haunched over him

Her fat legs planted either side of his Gallic  grin

She wore a wide-brimmed hat with a map of europe draped across her broad shoulders

And nothing else

The sight causing Beau to almost kech….




“Yo like vat yo see,Herr Kosy?”

Trilled the Frau

Sir Kosy did indeed

The Rhone has nothing on this thought he

Ah black forest gateau ….he mused,licking his thin lips…

” Spread your charms my dear

Bestride the whole of Europe;

Together we will control all ~

You  in ze boardroom ; me in ze bedroom! ”

Frau Shrek angled her thrust and

Discharged her duties


Nicholas was ecstatic.

“you’re oh…Formidable

You’re oh…Incredible

You’re oh..Indefatigable

You’re  my ‘ero ; my ‘ero !

Sans doubte !

Avec plaisir !!


Roundelay :


Tenor : “I am not too tall

Alto : I will be your pet;

Tenor : I am in your thrall

Alto : I am in your debt”

Chorus : Pass me ze Saurkraut


Tenor : I am fit and slim

Alto : I am round and gay

Tenor : I am firm  and trim

Alto : I am je ne sais

Chorus : Pass me ze Sauerkraut


Tenor : If I may be bold

Alto : Yes You may Monsieur

Tenor : May  I kiss and hold

Alto : You may try un peu !

Chorus : Pass me ze Sauerkraut


I am in your bra

I am in your vest

I am in your hah!!

It is for ze best

Pass me ze Sauerkraut


I am at the top

You are such a goer!

I’m about to pop

Can you  go no more ?

Chorus : Pass me ze Sauerkraut


I can go no lower

I can go no higher

Go a little slower

You are such a trier


I am in a spin

I am in a spot

I want further in

You are there mein Gott


Let go my tuch

Auf frenzy tschus


We must hold on tight

We must  not undo

We must win the night

I must  tootle oo


Pâté de fois gras


A toute a l’heure

I must get some air




I am an Amateur Gynaecologist with a love of Maidenhair Ferns and a fondness for interpreting Vermeer's Paintings as Metaphors ...

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